Growing Pains
by Screaming Argonaut
Summary: Despite his height, Little Edward had to grow up at some point right? This is a series of Awkward Parental stories about Ed's growing pains.
1. Chapter 1

_FMA, I do not own it. Moving on…_

It wasn't long after Ed's passing of the Alchemy exam, that he began undergoing certain…changes. This is a series of awkward/parental moments of Ed's growing stages.


	2. Maes Hughes

_Maes Hughes_

Edward and his brother had just enjoyed some excellent cooking on Gracia's part. Everyone was still at the table digesting the sustenance they just ingested. The Hughes' and the Elric's made small talk for quite some time until Ed's face flushed and he excused himself quickly. Hughes couldn't help but notice that the 12 year-old had his coat wrapped around him. Al wasn't sure what to think of his brother's sudden departure. He considered going after him, but assumed he was just going to the bathroom and chose to help Gracia clear the table. Maes remained at the table and considered Ed's behavior. Hughes waited a few more minutes for his little guest to return, and when he didn't, he went upstairs after him. The bathroom was unoccupied, but there was light under Ed's door. Maes was about to tap on the door, but he heard the boy talking to himself.

"God, why does this keep happening? I can't do anything without this crap. Ugh, I hope no one saw it. Go down, you bastard!"

Hughes knew at once what was troubling the kid. He was a boy once after all. He rapped lightly at the door and immediately heard rustling and the light beneath the door shut off. Hughes knocked again and spoke.

"C'mon, Ed. I know you're in there. I just want to make sure you're not sick. Can I come in?"

"Umm….I…Yeah, okay you can come in." Ed sounded embarrassed and tired. Hughes opened the door slowly and saw Ed lying in his bed. He had all his clothes on and his hands were under the comforter. Hughes flicked on the bedside lamp and sat at the foot of the boy's bed.

"You know kiddo, if you're having any problems at all, you can talk to me. I won't make fun of you, or think you're weird. I know you are a growing young man and things start to happen, but if you don't talk to me or Roy-…Gracia, you might not know what's normal." Ed's face got redder and redder as the man spoke. He glanced away before he responded.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Hughes. I'm just tired."

"Don't give me that, Ed. You left the table in an awful hurry, and now you're covered in sheets with those leather pants on. I'll bet they're not all that comfortable right now, are they?" Ed wasn't sure what the man meant by that last question. Did he know, or was he commenting on his sleeping in leather pants? It seemed that Maes read his thoughts because the man spoke again.

"I was a twelve year-old boy too a long time ago. Almost anything can trigger it, or it comes out of nowhere. I strongly suggest you wear something a little less constricting, Ed. This will happen for a while."

Ed was a little relieved that he didn't have to hide his secret any longer, but now he had this problem and couldn't do anything about it.

"What can I do? It won't go away!" Ed looked like he was about to burst into tears of humiliation. Hughes could only pity the poor boy. He knew exactly what he was going through. He was happy that Ed trusted him enough to let him in on his little secret, but he wished he could make it easier on the boy. All he could do was tell him what he did in this situation.

"If you have the time, you could take a cold shower. Otherwise, just think about something else. Something that requires all of your concentration."

"But, what if I'm around people?! If I have to get up, they'd see it!" Ed looked genuinely horrified. When it happened tonight, it was just in front of Hughes and his wife, who he trusted. However, if it happened at the office, or in public, he could be ridiculed. It was time for Maes to give the boy the advice that saved his dignity more than once in his youth.

"Try this when that happens. Just put your hands in your pockets like this." He got up and demonstrated.

"Then pull the front of your pants forward and it'll hide it until it goes away." Ed nodded and looked away, face still flushed. Maes walked over to him and messed up his hair and wished him good-night. As he walked down the stairs, he heard the shower turn on behind him. He smiled and walked into the kitchen. Alphonse and Gracia were playing cards on the table and looked up at the man.

"Oh. Hi honey, is Edward okay?" Al looked at him too, to hear the answer.

"Yeah, he's fine. He was feeling a bit hot and I told him to take a cold shower." Gracia knew this code very well unlike Al, who was blissfully ignorant to the whole situation.

"Well I hope his fever goes down soon." Gracia replied coolly.


	3. Jean Havoc

_Jean Havoc_

2nd lieutenant Havoc was on the last ten minutes of his lunch break. He was enjoying the simple pleasures of a Newport menthol on a particularly hot day. Mustang told him earlier that the Elric brothers would arrive later that evening and asked Jean to pick him up. So he felt relieved as Edward walked up the steps. His date was safe…at least until Roy got wind of it. Ed didn't appear to be in the best of moods, so Jean offered him a warm welcome and a handshake. As soon as the small breeze from Ed's jacket created during the handshake hit the man, he almost fainted. Words couldn't describe how horribly the kid reeked. Upon further inspection, Ed's hair was greasy, and he had a few pimples on his face. Havoc knew he had to intervene. After all, he couldn't let the boy go into Mustang's office like _that_. Havoc didn't really know where to start though, sure he had siblings who had adolescent children, but _they_ dealt with their personal hygiene. That was just it. Ed really didn't have anybody to tell him about that stuff. He seldom visited Pinako Rockbell, and he was on the road all the time so nobody, out of politeness, would call him on it. He cared for the kid, he really did, but he wouldn't express it in a hug right then.

"Um…when was your last shower, chief?" Jean asked, trying his damndest to stand upwind. Ed cocked his head to the side, confused.

"What does that matter? Did that bastard tell you to stall me? Because if he's got a girl in there, I'm taking pictures." Ed tried to push his way past the man, who only pulled him back by the hood of his coat.

"Ed, seriously. When was the last shower?"

"Ah! Let go of me! Two days ago, happy?" Ed spat back. He was now genuinely anxious to see why Mustang had to buy some time.

"Two days?! Jesus, man! Now look, I'm only telling you this because I'm your friend. You smell like you fell in a septic tank. You need to shower every day without fail."

"Every day? What a waste of water! I always take a shower or bath every Saturday. If I smelled that bad, someone would have said something. How can you even smell me? Everyone knows you lose you sense of smell when you smoke, you smoker!"

"Exactly! Your scent is so pungent, it cuts right through me. I think I can even taste you. As for everyone else, I think they were being polite."

Ed was starting to lose his patience. Didn't everyone else have a Saturday shower? He would understand if someone fell in mud or was landscaping all day, then a shower would be in order, but EVERY DAY without fail? He crossed his arms and pouted.

"Why everyday, smart-ass?" Havoc snuffed out his cigarette with his foot and sighed.

"When you get older, you start…gland-ing more. You have those glands everywhere, Ed. Even on your head. See? Greasy." He emphasized his point by rubbing his thumb and forefinger on Ed's antennae. Ed slapped his hand away and readjusted his blond strand. As he did it, he felt the grease on his fingers. He brought his hand to his face and rubbed those fingers together. His eyes widened in sudden realization. He looked at the lieutenant who only nodded slowly. He hesitantly brought his tank top to his face and inhaled. He was horrified. _Why didn't anyone tell him? _

"I'm going to the locker room." Ed stated flatly, avoiding eye contact with the man who kindly noted his grave error. He opened the door to go in, but Jean dragged him back out again.

"You can't go in there. You're still going to pass people on your way to the shower, boss. Sit tight, I'll be back." Havoc strolled into the building and grabbed the phone. He dialed Hawkeye and told her that he ran into Ed, but silly him; he forgot the report at the hotel. So he was going to drive him back. She agreed and said she'd buy them some time. Havoc hung up and trotted back outside and dragged smelly Ed with him.

Havoc rolled Ed's window down so the scent wouldn't remain in his car. Ed's cheeks and nose were dark red in embarrassment. He hugged himself tightly so he would know not to move or lift his arms. To save him from his self-pity, Havoc started making small talk. Ed told him of his last mission which, yet again, was a pointless endeavor. They arrived to Havoc's flat and he handed Ed some towels and a gallon bag of hygiene products.

"Okay, this is deodorant. Not expensive, apply it to your armpits every morning. It'll keep you from sweating. This is Cologne. Astronomically expensive, so go easy on that. Besides being costly, it's also really strong and that could offend people as much as B.O. And finally, this is conditioner. With hair like yours, you're gonna want smooth hair without grease. Put it in after the shampoo. Got it?" Ed nodded, so Havoc let the lad take his much-needed shower. Afterwards, Jean demonstrated how to properly use the deodorant and the cologne. He helped Ed wash his clothes and drove him back to the base.

"Um…thanks lieutenant. You saved my ass from another nasty comment from Colonel Bastard." He joked to hide his humiliation. They arrived at the office and everyone greeted the two kindly. Ed made his way past Hawkeye's desk who lifted he head up and spoke.

"Is that new cologne you're wearing Ed?" He nodded nervously. "Smells nice." She smiled. Ed grinned and burst into Roy's office with a dangerously high ego. As the door slammed behind him, Hawkeye eyed havoc slyly.

"…Smells suspiciously like your cologne, Lieutenant Havoc."


	4. Kain Fuery

Kain Fuery woke with a start. He had been assigned to work with the Fullmetal Alchemist while trying to repair the radio relay in a civil war zone. He did the technical repairs while Ed worked to restore the damaged units from the outside. The flat they resided in was cozy enough. Kain had the master bed, while Ed graciously volunteered to take the couch. Fuery didn't like war, and every little noise startled him. He woke to the sound of the washing machine buzzing to a halt. He let his head fall back to the pillow and cursed himself for his uptight demeanor. He grabbed his glasses and glanced at the wall clock.

_3 am? Why was Ed doing laundry this early? Didn't he love to sleep?_ Fuery asked himself. He forced himself out of bed and glanced into the hallway. There was light coming from under the laundry room door. He almost opened it, when he saw his roommate moving in the living room. He cautiously walked into the room where he saw Ed scrubbing one of the couch cushions furiously. He flicked on the light and Ed yelped in surprise. He spun around and held the sponge behind his back. His eyes were wide in absolute horror. Kain pinched the bridge of his nose in exhaustion.

"Sir, what are you doing up so early, and why were you doing laundry?" He released his nose and readjusted his glasses. Ed kicked the sponge under the couch and sat where he was scrubbing. Fuery could almost see the gears turning in the boy's head as he tried to come up with an explanation.

"Oh, sorry. Did I wake you? I just couldn't sleep. The sheets…were, uh, itchy. So I washed them. Oh, this cushion smelled bad. Like, really bad, so I'm trying to scrub it. You can go back to bed, Sergeant." He almost begged. The confused techie tried to comprehend the boy's actions. He began to wonder what the kid was on to get him to obsess over some "smelly" cushions. He glanced at the boy and he noticed he had a bathrobe wrapped tightly around him. He had on a tank top and a pair of shorts, so why would he be so modest as to wear a robe? A realization hit him and he almost tackled Ed as he checked for wounds.

"Sir, are you bleeding? Are you hurt? What happened?" he demanded as he checked Ed's arms and head much to the boy's disapproval.

"Ghaa! Fuery, get off me! I'm fine! Go back to bed!" Ed pleaded trying to get the man to let the conversation go. Fuery stood and tried to figure out what was wrong. He gave in to the boy's requests and got a glass of water before trotting back to his room. His head hit the pillow for a second when he finally realized what the problem was. He felt like such an idiot for not realizing it before. Ed was growing up, so changing sheets on top of embarrassment must add up to…

Fuery walked into the hallway again and saw Ed trying to get back into his clean sheets. Ed looked uncomfortable and embarrassed. Even more so, when he noticed the Master Sergeant enter again.

"Sir, you don't want to get back in bed quite yet." He stated politely. Ed drew his robe around himself again.

"And why not, Fuery?"

"I'm pretty sure you want to wash those shorts first." He said matter-of-factly. Ed blushed furiously. His secret was discovered. He tried desperately to find an escape. However, none came to mind. Defeated, Ed mumbled something that Kain barely heard.

"I haven't done that since I was five."

Kain had a lot of sympathy for the kid. He was a boy once. He knew the hardship. It was up to him to explain _this_ to him.

"You didn't have an accident, Ed. That was a…nocturnal emission. It happens to boys your age. It won't happen forever." Ed looked up at the man who was trying to help him. There was a little voice in the back of his head demanding Ed to ask more questions, despite everything else telling him to run. As much as he wanted to do the latter, he was curious.

"It happened to you, too?" Kain looked up, surprised that Ed was actually asking him a question.

"Nope." The man flinched. Cursing himself for saying that, knowing what the boy was going to ask next.

"No? Why not?" Ed asked, worried that what happened to him was abnormal. Fuery fussed with his glasses anxiously. How was he going to say this?

"I did something…a lot…that prevented it…um…" He trailed off, hoping Edward wouldn't keep prying.

"What?"

Kain sighed. He had to do this. Of all people, Ed was asking HIM how to prevent wet dreams? He didn't have any experience giving kids advice on things like this! Kain dashed over the book shelf and flipped through the dictionary. He found what he was looking for in the "M" section and handed it to Ed, pointing out the word. Ed followed the finger and started to read the word aloud.

"Masturba-" He started, but stopped cold after reading the definition. He looked up at the man who had his back turned to him. Ed could only stir in his own thoughts at what this man had just suggested.

_I have to do THIS for that not to happen anymore? What? This definition doesn't really help. 'To manually stimulate…' What? _Ed looked at the man again to see him trying to smile.

"Um…everyone does that, Ed. Trust me; anyone who says they don't is a liar." Kain was still blushing. Ed closed the book and thought for a moment.

"Um…what do you do…when you…um…" Ed asked bashfully. It wasn't HIS fault he was ignorant. Trisha Elric died years ago, and Hoenheim was out of the picture, so who could he ask?

"It's not really something that's taught, Ed. You just have to figure out what…feels…good."

"So it doesn't hurt?" Ed innocently asked. Kain only laughed in response. Kain went back to bed feeling good about helping Ed with his problem. He was happy that the boy trusted him enough to ask him these ridiculously awkward but normal questions.

Kain woke the next morning to discover Ed in a particularly relaxed mood; like all the stress had been lifted…over…night…oh. Kain made a note to himself to knock before he went into a room that Ed was alone in. 


	5. Roy Mustang

"Brother, you fell asleep again. You need to stay awake to give the Colonel your report!" Alphonse informed his elder brother who had been semi-comatose since their return to Eastern Headquarters. The last mission was a complete and utter cluster-fuck. They managed to pull a corrupt alchemist with a god-complex out of his throne; at the expense of damage to public property. The train was so decrepit that sleep during the trip was out of the question. Ed actually managed to fall asleep as he got into Havoc's car. The power-nap was short-lived; considering that he smacked his head on the door frame. Ed just wished his kid brother would just let him sleep during the brief car ride, but it was not to be.

"Hey Boss, you want some coffee? It'll keep ya awake for quite a while."

"I don't WANT to stay awake, I just want to sleep!" Ed groaned as he reached for the thermos the older man offered him. He spun the lid off the top and drank it without question. That proved to be a mistake because he swiftly spat it out the window and down the side of Havoc's ivory-white car.

"Hey, HEY! Come on, Ed! Just had this thing detailed!"

"Don't blame ME for spitting shit out of my mouth! What is it?" Ed was certainly awake now.

"Black coffee, boss. I hate that stuff people put in their drinks. That's not coffee, it's more like a melted candy bar in a cup!" Havoc was a bit insulted. Coffee is simply an acquired taste that the brat had yet to acquire.

Havoc dropped the two off in front of the main gate and drove off. Al said he was going to meet Ed back at the dorm. He walked down the hallway and was greeted by various people whose names he couldn't remember. He burst through the Colonel's door so hard that witnesses would claim that they saw the wood splinter. All of Mustang's subordinates jumped except for the Bastard himself who more or less tuned it out. Roy glanced at the wall clock and folded his hands on his desk.

"You're on time, Fullmetal. I suppose there's a first time for everything. Now, is that because you were responsible, or is it because Lieutenant Havoc is ALWAYS responsible?" Ed grinded his teeth and answered with his jaw clenched.

"You didn't call me short; I suppose there IS a first time for everything."

"The night is still young Fullmetal. Close the door."

The report went underway as usual; Mustang dry-swallowed an ibuprofen before he allowed Ed to explain the damage claim he received just prior to his arrival. He went on to lecture his subordinate on how missions are to be carried out; swiftly, and with NO collateral damage. The punk always seemed to have an excuse for every little detail. The crazed lunatic forced him to take this action, and that asshole made him take another. It was quite a story. Roy had enough of his excuses and chose to push his buttons a tad. And what came out of Ed's mouth was something he wouldn't soon forget.

"Oh bite me, you BAST-ard!" Ed squeaked. He slapped his hands to his mouth, but it was too late. It happened, and Mustang heard it. Roy's jaw dropped and so did his pen. A dead silence filled the office. Ed refused to remove his hands, lest more squeaks escape. He just wanted to leap out the window and crash into the concrete below. Ed's entire face turned beet-red. Roy slowly rolled out of his chair and on to the floor, howling with laughter. Few things were more humiliating than this. The other 'things' were with people he trusted. This? No. God, not Mustang of all people! Ed leapt off the couch and burst out of the office. Everyone in the office had seen the boy storm out of the office before, but they never heard Roy shriek in laughter like this. Hawkeye shot up and stormed into Roy's office, slamming the doors behind her.

"What did you do, Colonel Mustang?" she demanded. She had him against the wall with a gun in his face. Roy kept giggling despite himself.

"N-N-Nothing!" he managed to get out through his laughter. She pulled back the hammer and fired a round into his chair where his head usually is. Mustang got the message and shut up immediately. He tried very carefully to explain what happened without bursting into laughter again. Once he finished, a fire lit behind her eyes and she fired four more rounds into Roy's headrest.

"Are you telling me that that boy cracks his voice and you react by laughing at him? Are you insane? Do you have no soul? You're a monster!" She released her death grip on her superior and walks to his desk, grabs a book, and storms out. Roy noticed that she took something and furiously checked to see what it was. About an hour of searching, he finally realized what it was she took.

"Oh, god. No, not that!"

Hawkeye frantically searched every possible road Ed might have taken as he fled from Headquarters. She finally caught a glimpse of a red coat going down an alley. She drove by slowly and saw that he took shelter next to a dumpster. She pulled over and left her car idle. She grabbed her umbrella to shelter herself from the torrent of rain that started. She watched him for a second and took in the pitiful sight. He was sitting with his head in his folded arms. She was not about to let him catch a cold in this weather, so she casually walked over and held the umbrella over his blond (1) head.

"Ed, are you alright?" He turned from her and furiously wiped his eyes on the back of his hand.

"Yeah, just tired." He replied, voice broken from old tears. Her cold heart melted in an instant and mother mode kicked in. She held his shoulders and slowly lifted him up.

"Don't worry about him Ed. Let's go."

"I'm not going back." She gave his shoulders a gentle squeeze and led him to the car.

"We're not. I don't want to go back either. Let's play hooky today. Hungry?" He hesitated, but nodded.

She brought him back to her flat and made him some soup. He gently sipped it, wanting to look as polite as he could for the lieutenant. (2) She finished her own soup and slid her chair closer to the boy.

"You didn't deserve that, Edward. The way the Colonel reacted was just cruel." Ed was a bit uncomfortable talking about this to a woman, considering she never had a drastic voice change. He did like talking to the lieutenant; she always seemed to know what she was talking about.

"I hate him. I need to get him back." Ed said coldly into his reflection in the soup. Hawkeye chuckled darkly.

"I was hoping you'd say that. I want you to see this." She pulled a dark blue book from her bag and handed it to Ed.

"Page one-thirty-one."

Ed flipped through it and discovered that it was a high school yearbook. He found page 131 and didn't really notice anything until he saw a name that stood out to him. He took another look and almost pissed his pants laughing so hard.

_, M. Hughes getting ready for the chess tournament._

He saw a young man that was the spitting image of the modern Hughes, and a short, plump, pimply boy smiling the dorkiest smile he could muster. After both Hawkeye and Ed had finished laughing, she placed her hand on his shoulder and whispered to him.

"Roy grew up once too, Edward. He had no right to make fun of you. If he tries to poke fun at you again, you've got this secret weapon."

Roy rang Hawkeye's doorbell furiously hoping to God that she was there. Her door opened, but it was Ed who answered. He scowled at his boss, but let him speak.

"Fullmetal…listen, I'm sorry. You didn't need that. I won't do that again. You need sleep, so take the week off." Ed's face softened after a moment as he pushed his way out the door.

"I'm already over it. See you next week."

Roy was left awestruck. He was surprised at how easily he got over it. He looked up and saw the lieutenant standing in the doorway.

"Ah, lieutenant. I'm really sorry. I already apologized to the kid, and he took it pretty well. He didn't mope for too long, did he? Oh, where's my yearbook?"

"No, he's a strong boy. He'll make it. As far as your book, I believe he took it to make copies."

Author's Note: (1): Boys have BLOND hair, girls have BLOND(E) Hair. People tend to confuse that.

(2): the next chapter will be about Ed's Hormone-driven attraction to Riza, so enjoy that!


	6. Riza Hawkeye

"_Oh, Edward! That's it right there! You're so tall, Edward!" Riza screamed beneath her lover. All Ed did was say that he loved her, and she immediately took him to her bed. _Wow, this was so easy, _Ed thought to himself. Why hadn't he said anything sooner? Riza smiled up at him and was about to say something very seductively._

"Ed! Wake up! You're gonna be late for work!" Alphonse shouted at his slumbering brother who was grinning like an idiot in his sleep. Ed shot up and looked around frantically. Hawkeye had suddenly turned into a metal behemoth. Reality forced its way back into Ed's mind and he pulled the sheets close to his head, utterly humiliated. He assured his younger brother that he would get up as soon as he had some privacy. This request confused Alphonse considering that Ed typically didn't care if he saw Ed changing. He brushed it off and obeyed. Ed took Hughes' advice and took a very cold shower.

At breakfast, Ed didn't say much. He was consumed by the imaginary events of the night before. Rather, he was consumed by trying NOT to think about them. Ed finished his toast and he and his little brother walked to headquarters. Ed tried to explain to Al that it was a mandatory office day, and he would be in there for hours, but Al said he's find something to do during the time Ed was working. Ed shrugged and paused before entering the main gate. _Oh shit, Hawkeye's gonna be there too. It might not be bad, it's not like she'll ask what I dreamed about last night. My desk and hers is separated by Breda's, so I might not even see her!_ Ed assured himself. He walked down the hall after dropping Al off at Hughes' office. He always needed work done, and Al didn't mind Elysia's photos as much. Ed gingerly opened the office door, a first for him, and walked in. The office was empty, except for Lieutenant Hawkeye. _Fuck._ She glanced at him, so it was too late to flee. However, this might be the chance he dreamt about! He casually glanced at the mirror and made sure he had no surprise pimples. He sat down at his desk and groaned at the monstrous pile of files he had to organize. He slumped back in his chair and watched the lieutenant in his peripheral vision. He mustered up the courage to start a conversation when she leaned back and stretched.

"So where is everyone?"

"At lunch."

"Why didn't you go?" Ed asked curiously. She merely held up a brown lunch bag and set it down.

"Oh." The small talk ended there. A few more moments went by and she excused herself to use the restroom. As soon as the door closed behind her, Ed leapt into action. Against his better judgment, he grabbed her military ID. He looked at the date, and saw that she was 25. Ed smiled; they were barely in the ten-year span. He also spotted a small bottle of her perfume. He gave the opening a sniff, and he groaned quietly. He heard footsteps and he quickly placed everything he touched back where he found it. He slammed himself back in his chair as she walked back in the room. He wiped the sweat beads off his forehead. She gave him a curious look as she too, claimed her seat. She noticed his sweat and chuckled.

"Edward, you can take your coat off if you're hot." She said kindly. Ed returned the smile nervously and slid his red coat off, leaving him in his black tank top.

"The A/C hasn't been working recently." She said as she removed her military jacket as well, leaving her in a rather revealing brown tank top and her shoulder holsters. Ed blushed furiously and quickly looked away. She grumbled at her pile of files and picked half of them up. She turned to Ed and put her finger to her lips as she went desk-to-desk giving her work to everyone else. Ed held his hand to his mouth to stifle his laughter. She sat down and laughed as well.

"You're evil, Lieutenant!" Ed laughed. She picked up a pocket mirror and looked at her face.

"Ugh, this damn humidity took off all my make-up." She mumbled angrily. Ed seized the opportunity to get himself on her good side.

"I don't think you need any make-up, Hawkeye. You're pretty enough without it." Ed's face got very hot as her eyes widened and she slowly looked his way. She finally realized what was on Ed's mind. She noticed Ed acting strangely ever since he walked into the office. Not breaking the door, not mentioning the Colonel at all, blushing most of the time, and now calling her pretty? Ed had a massive crush on her! She loved the boy, she really did, but like a son. She would die to protect the Elric brothers should the situation arise. However, there was no way it could work. It would be a conflict of interest, working together would be awkward, and he's FIFTEEN! She had to let him down gently, though. A direct rejection could ruin any form of stability he had left.

"Thank you, Ed. That was really sweet!" Ed relaxed and signed some more documents. Every now and then, the two would look at the other, both equally embarrassed. Both set their pens down and tried to speak at the same time.

"Edward, I-"

"Wanna go out sometime?" Hawkeye was a bit stunned by the blunt question. She supposed the blushing boy had been working up the courage for quite some time. She decided not to laugh at his adorable face and knelt down next to him.

"Ed, honey. You're a really sweet boy, and I'm flattered that you like me, but there are so many other girls you could date. Girls within your age group."

"But they don't know anything! It's like they have no personality!"

"I know, Ed. I was like that once. They don't know who they are yet. Neither do you. Besides, I know a girl who loves you more than you know. I met her once, and she's very sweet and just wants to see you succeed." She stood up and gave Ed a gentle kiss on the forehead.

"By the way Ed, I would love to buy you dinner sometime, but it wouldn't work. Thursday, seven o'clock at Saji-ya."

She left the room and Ed touched the spot where she kissed him. The wind from the window caused the curtains to flutter and Roy Mustang was behind them, smiling. He saw everything.


	7. Alex Louis Armstrong

"Oh, what the fuck?" Ed moaned to himself. He stepped out of the shower and saw that even more hairs were protruding from his 'regions.' There were no other hairs on his body, just _there. _He stood there and looked down at himself and curiously pulled on some. They had shown up without any real warning. As he thought back, he may have noticed some peach-fuzz there, but he only noticed them when they became…well…noticeable. Yesterday, as he was zipping up his pants, some got caught in his zipper and they were ripped out forcibly. He yelped in pain and of course Alphonse had to come to the rescue.

"Brother, are you okay?"

"Ow! Uh, yeah, I just stubbed my toe on the bed." He answered through clenched teeth.

Enough was enough.

He went into his drawer and grabbed the razor Breda had given to him as a gag gift the year before. He looked at the four sharp blades hesitantly. No one had taught him to shave before, face or otherwise. He took a guess and simply wet the blade in the sink before letting the razor skim across his area. A couple nicks and cuts later, every one of those black, knotted bastards were gone. Satisfied, he dressed himself and walked down to headquarters where Mustang had another mission for him. He had asked his brother if he wanted to join him, but he declined. Ed was confused until he heard a quiet mewing from within his brother's armor. _Hear no evil, see no evil…I'll deal with it later._

Ed was walking down the sidewalk griping to himself as usual, when he felt his 'region' suddenly get hot. He paid little attention to it until several minutes later, it started _itching._ Ed tried desperately to adjust himself without actually reaching his hand down there and grossing out everyone he passed. Why hadn't he listened to Hughes and tossed the leather pants from hell? Headquarters couldn't come any sooner. He raced into the nearest bathroom, locked it, and dropped his pants. What he saw made his jaw drop. His entire pubic area was red and had itchy bumps all over it. He moaned in disgust just before a knock came at the door.

"Edward Elric, this is a multi-person restroom! If you required privacy, you could have very well locked the stall door!" Major Armstong's voice rang through the door. Ed grimaced and hiked his pants back up, but left the belt off. He would have to keep his hands in his pockets to keep them from falling down, but at least it kept the chaffing at bay. He unlatched the door and Alex came bursting in the room and raced to relieve himself at the urinal. As the man's back was turned to him, Ed took the opportunity to physically scratch at himself. He sighed inaudibly at the relief, but looked back to see that the mirror allowed the major to see exactly what the boy just did. Ed blushed in embarrassment and quickly left the restroom. He limped down the hallway just as the major suddenly wound up in front of him… Again.

"Edward Elric, are you feeling quite alright?" Ed avoided the major's gaze.

"I just had an itch…no need to get worked up about it…"

"No son, limping could be serious. Luckily for you, the Armstong family has passed down the art of medical diagnosis for generations! From what I saw in the restroom, you have a rash that could be infected!" he declared rather loudly in the busy hallway. Ed shushed him and admitted that he may be right, but it was just a rash and it would go away eventually.

"Unacceptable, Edward! Rashes could be infected and spread! I insist that I escort you to a doctor!"

"No…way."

The major grabbed Ed by the arm and dragged him to the Colonel's office. Everyone was amused by the sight of Ed kicking and screaming behind Alex. Ed received an envelope containing his latest mission before the burly man dragged him out again and to the infirmary.

Alex burst through the door to the infirmary like all doors he had come across and announced their presence. The chief medic greeted them as she lit up a cigarette.

"What seems to be the problem, Major? Other than the small child that you have fused to your hip."

"I AM NOT SMALL!" Ed bellowed at the woman, who only smirked a very Colonel-ish smirk.

"The boy has a very serious rash that may be spreading. I brought him here as soon as possible, Sir!"

The other patients sniggered at Ed who now wished that Hawkeye had shot him years ago. The medic brought Ed to a vacant cubicle and asked Ed to show him the rash. Ed's blush intensified now that a woman just asked him to expose himself to her. He looked away as he undid his zipper.

"Oh…wow…That razor burn looks uncomfortable to say the least." Ed wanted to give her a smart-assed remark, but was too mortified to do so.

" Fullmetal, I have to say that I've only ever seem this on poorly-groomed pets." She said as she removed a Band-aid that Ed stuck on himself. He yelped in pain at the unexpected removal. She threw out the band-aid and rolled away to her drawer. Smoke escaped her nose as she discovered what she was looking for. She rolled back to him and thrust a can into his hand.

"This is shaving cream. Use it next time you feel that you need to shave your pubes. And this here is some ointment with Aloe in it. Apply it liberally…very liberally until it goes away." She rolled away to her other patients as Alex entered the cubical while Ed was still had his pants off. Ed ripped them up as fast as he could before Alex saw everything.

"What did she say, Edward? Are your alright?"

"Pfft. _Yes!_ I told you it was nothing to worry about…"

"Don't lie to me, son. Armstrong's have a knack for detecting lies."

"Fine…if you must know….I forgot to use…shaving cream…for…you know…" He said waiting for sweet, sweet death.

"Edward Elric, are you telling me that you got razor burn from trying to shave your pub-"

"Will you_ shut up?"_ Edward hissed. Alex let out a chuckle and sat next to the boy on the bed.

"Son, Pubic hair is not only absolutely normal, but it is a sign of MANHOOD! I am extremely proud of the hair above my pair! As you should be!"

Ed ran out of the room with his hands over his ears, lest the Major show off his "Mane."


	8. Heymans Breda

Heymans Breda always looked for trouble after he finished his work. At times he found it at a bar, at a casino, or even at a chuck-e-cheese. Today, he didn't have to look too far. He walked into his office after forgetting his jacket. The room was vacant save for one young alchemist. He was at his desk totally absorbed in whatever it was he was reading. Breda closed the door with a loud click, and his head shot up and he slammed the book closed. He was tense like he'd just been caught by the police. The man paused for a moment, but smirked and continued to his desk. On his way, he had to pass the teen's desk and he caught a glimpse at the book he was reading. The cover said something like, 'Business ethics as it pertains to Alchemy.' But that isn't what caught his attention. He noticed that the pages of the book were an off-white signifying age and use, but right in the middle the pages were new. The top cover was at an angle, so he knew Ed was hiding something in there. He looked Ed in the eyes and the boy averted his gaze. While he did so, Breda slipped whatever it was from within the book. He slid it in his breast pocket without looking at it. By the time Ed turned his head around, Breda was sitting at his desk doing what looked like stealing pens and stamps.

Ed took no notice and opened his book to retrieve what he had hidden. He almost screamed when he found that it wasn't there. He quickly looked under his desk and around it. With doom filling his stomach, he slowly looked over at the man who was flipping through a small magazine. Ed's eyes widened when he recognized the title.

_HOT MECHANICS! FIXING ALL YOUR PARTS!_

"Interesting choice in literature, Boss."

"YOU GIVE THAT BACK!" he roared before he pounced. Breda avoided him by pushing his rolling chair with his feet. He was surprisingly good at maneuvering the furniture around the large office. Ed was at a full sprint trying to retrieve the smut. Breda's chair got snagged on the corner of the rug and he stopped. He held the book up at high as he could while sitting, but that was enough. Ed still couldn't reach it. Ed was now trying to climb on Breda's lap so he can snatch it back, when the door opened.

"Fullmetal, I hope you weren't planning on-" was as far as Mustang got before he noticed the scene before him. He saw two of his subordinates fighting on a rolling chair over what looked like pornography. He shrugged his shoulders.

"I'll come back later." He said before he closed the door. Once he was gone, the fight resumed. Breda managed to get the boy off of him and held him at a distance with his arm against his chest.

"Say Ed, isn't that girl back in Risembul an Automail Mechanic?"

"Shut up! C'mon, give it back!" He was almost ready to burst into tears of humiliation.

"Relax Ed. I'm not going to bust your balls over this…okay, maybe a little. But who am I to stop you from reading this crap? I did when I was your age!" Ed stopped flailing his arms and looked at the man skeptically.

"You?"

"Pfft! Hell yeah, these were my treasures! Imagination only did so much, you know? How did you get these?" Besides the fact that he looked ten or twelve, any reputable adult book store would card him. Ed dropped his shoulders and sighed.

"If I tell you, will you give it back?"

"Unless you stole it."

"No, I did not steal it! Al and I were at a convenience store and I slipped it into the pile of things we were getting. No one would think Al was under eighteen, and he didn't even notice that he bought porn. Wait, you're not gonna tell him are you?"

"I wasn't going to…but why would he care? I'm sure he has urges too."

"Well, he probably does…but he can't…you know…act on…them." Breda nodded sympathetically.

"Alright, here you go. But I wouldn't bring these in here again. Havoc and Mustang would probably never let you live it down."

Ed snatched it back and ran from the room.

The next day, after everyone else left the office, Breda dropped a cardboard box on Ed's desk. Ed looked up at the man, but he was already closing the door behind him. Ed took a peek in the box and all he saw was breasts. He quickly closed the flimsy lid and saw that Breda has drawn a pirate's treasure chest on the top. Once ensuring that no one else was in the room, Ed cautiously opened it again. Among all the rags, he saw a note in it.

_Boss,_

_Use these wisely. You get caught with them, you don't know me. Don't worry, they're new and CLEAN._

_-HB_

_AN: Sorry this was so short you guys. I'm off to College tomorrow and I wanted to give you fine people __something__ since you've been waiting so patiently. _ _I am currently working on the second chapter of "Part of the Team," since people were hoping for one. It makes sense to make it a multi-chapter story. So that's what I'm doing. Ta-ta for now._


End file.
